Kotomine Kirei, Guardian of Gacha
by Princeps Civitatis
Summary: Servants interested in helping Chaldea have to undergo an interview process, and of course I am the interviewer. If I think they do not pass the interview, they do not join, meaning they do not appear when you do your ten-roll or YOLO roll.
1. Interviewee Altria Pendragon

**I formatted this to mimic a play's script. 'Aside' means a character is speaking to the audience, and other characters cannot hear what he says.**

* * *

* **ENTER** Kotomine Kirei*

 **Kirei** **[aside]** : Dear readers, my name is Kotomine Kirei. Surely if you are here, you have watched at least one of the numerous fate instalments? I am a man rich in life experience, at numerous points of my life I was a Church executor, a magus' disciple, a murderer, a priest, and a guardian of the girl I orphaned. However, I died. Being the franchise's prime villain, it is inevitable that I died in all three routes. My adoptive brother, who is also the villain in a spin-off series, died too. Now I fulfil a different role, I am the guardian of Gacha. While players of Fate Grand Order are under the impression, or at least some of them are under the impression that what the Gacha spits out is completely random, let me tell you a little secret, it is patently false. I am the guardian of Gacha, I decide who comes to Chaldea and who does not, except welfare servants, because Delight Works is my boss.

* **ENTER** Altria Pendragon*

 **Kirei** **[aside]** : Here comes an interviewee. Servants interested in helping Chaldea have to undergo an interview process, and of course I am the interviewer. If I think they do not pass the interview, they do not join, meaning they do not appear when you do your ten-roll or YOLO roll.

 **Altria** : Kotomine Kirei! What are you doing here?

 **Kirei** : Please sit down, Miss Altria Pendragon. I am Kotomine Kirei, you knew me in my previous life, but now I function as you interviewer, so please treat me as such. Now, before I officially commence the interview, allow me to confirm your first name is spelled as 'A-L-T-R-I-A'?

 **Altria** : I beg your pardon? I prefer to spell my name as 'A-R-T-O-R-I-A' or 'A-R-T-U-R-I-A'.

 **Kirei** : Unfortunately, Delight Works' decided to call you 'A-L-T-R-I-A', and hence I will be calling you 'Altria' from this point onward. First question, why do you want to join Chaldea?

 **Altria** : Humanity is in danger, a hero must help, so here I am.

 **Kirei** : Straightforward and honourable, as expected of you. However, do you know what Chaldea is like? Surely you would like to know your work environment?

 **Altria** : Indeed I do not know what Chaldea is like, but this is an important mission I am determined to be involved in.

 **Kirei** : Do you really not care what the work environment is like? What if your master is a cook even worse than Gawain? What if your master is a ruthless, unprincipled one like Emiya Kiritsugu? Servants in Chaldea are effectively Chaldea's employees, and an employee would be concerned about his welfare.

 **Altria** : Servants are servants, Kotomine Kirei. We are instruments to be wielded to save humanity.

 **Kirei** : But you have no concerns about what your master is like? At all?

 **Altria** : Will my answer influence the outcome of the interview?

 **Kirei** : Please simply answer truthfully, this interview is 100 percent confidential.

 **Altria** : If it is to save humanity, I can stomach Gawain's cooking, I mean I had eaten plenty of such food in my Camelot days.

 **Kirei [aside]** : How interesting, she neglected to mention her view if her master is like Emiya Kiritsugu.

 **Kirei** : Well, I feel sympathy for you Altria Pendragon, for you have a tough road ahead of you.

 **Altria** : Why do you say so?

 **Kirei** : Well, the truth is I warn all female applicants about this…the Chaldea master is, for the lack of a better word, a man of appetite.

 **Altria** : A man of appetite? Do you mean he eat a lot? Well, if he does not leave any food for me it would be troublesome.

 **Kirei** : No, by that I mean he has a huge appetite for the female body. Every day he engages in intercourse with a female servant of his choosing. For your information, it is not consensual, the master has an infinite number of command seals as his seals regenerate every day. I know not why he engages in such wretched debauchery, I suspect it has to do with the stress of saving the world.

 **Kirei [aside]** : The way her hopeful expression died brings unspeakable joy to my heart. My dear readers, lying should not be treated as simply a tool to deceive, but rather a tool of entertainment.

 **Kirei** : I am particularly worried about you, Miss Pendragon, given that you seemed to be the master's 'type'. He has a preference for petite European blondes.

 **Altria** : Why is such a vile man the master in charge of humanity's salvation?

 **Kirei** : Unfortunately, he is Chaldea's only master candidate. His unique status makes him above the law. We do need him to save humanity, Miss Pendragon. If you want to know more about the master, I am willing to provide you details. Because, as I said, I am worried about you.

 **Altria** : How do I know I can trust your words, Kotomine Kirei?

 **Kirei** : I am a simple man, surely you know what makes me tick, given that your former master Emiya Shirou faced off with me. My heart flutters at sin, but my morality condemns it. It brings me no joy to see another man unleashing evil upon others, for I only feel joy if I personally commit the evil myself, or when I eat mapo tofu. As an interviewer, I am incapable of committing evil, since the process of interview itself is clinical and procedural, devoid of rights and wrongs. However, I do retain my morality as a human being, and therefore I feel compelled to warn you of potential hazards in Chaldea.

 **Altria** : I see, then do tell me more about the master of Chaldea, I have to know more about that fiend.

 **Kirei** : Sure, the master looks like Emiya Kiritsugu, but younger. Personality-wise, he is somewhat similar to Matou Shinji. In terms of how he dresses…I have interviewed your mentor Merlin before, and rejected him. The master seemed to have encountered Merlin in a singularity and was inspired by him, and now walks around Chaldea dressed like the Magus of Flowers, and proclaimed himself the greatest mage in the world for having bedded so many female heroic spirits. Wherever he goes he is always accompanied by child servants, who are ordered to scatter flower petals beneath his feet to mimic Merlin. Truly, he is a lowly duck that sees itself as a majestic dinosaur through a mirror.

 **Kirei [aside]** : Dear readers, to make one's lies convincing, one should always sprinkle an element of truth to it.

 **Altria** : You interviewed Merlin…wait, so the master is a rapist combination of Kiritsugu, Shinji and Merlin!?

 **Kirei [aside]** : She fell for it! I blabbered one huge lie after another and she fell for them all—hook, line, and sinker!

 **Kirei** : You summed up my point succinctly, Miss Pendragon. So do you still want to join Chaldea?

 **Altria** : This master is very bad news, I can't believe humanity is dependent on something so vile, then all the more reason I must join!

 **Kirei** : Even though the master will use you as a harlot? Sure, you will get to unleash your Excalibur every now and then to save humanity, but I suspect most of the time you will be using your body to satisfy his sexual urges. I must warn you he is into some pretty rough 'plays'.

 **Altria** : I…I…

 **Kirei** : I can tell you more about Chaldea, a certain Counter-Guardian is also there. Heroic spirit Emiya the Archer, you encountered him in the fifth war and he remembers you. I do believe joining Chaldea is the fastest, no, the only way you can reunite with Emiya Shirou.

 **Altria** : I'll join!

Kirei: Even though the master, Kiritsugu, Shinji and Merlin blended into one monstrous entity, will use you as a harlot?

 **Altria** : Shirou is there…I'll join. I have to save humanity!

 **Kirei [aside]** : My dear readers, is this the power of love? Sadly this is something I will not understand.

 **Kirei** : The master is a sadistic man, he likes to order other servants to watch his sex sessions. Most likely, he will order Emiya Shirou to watch while he ravishes you on bed. Even so, you will join Chaldea and endure this fate worse than death, to save humanity?

 **Altria** : I…I…My decision remains. I will join Chaldea. I am raised a Knight, and I will always do what is right, just and chivalrous. My body of a woman's has always been a secondary concern at best. If this is what it takes to save humanity, I will endure all the humiliation and trauma.

 **Kirei** **[aside]** : Here comes my punchline, dear readers!

 **Kirei** : I know you will say that. How noble and valiant, such a self-sacrificing nature is the rarest virtue of them all. Indeed, you are just like that man…that man who bears all the sins to save the world…no wonder he managed to summon you, your mindset is just like that of Emiya Kiritsugu!

 **Kirei** **[aside]** : She is speechless! Speechless! Oh dear readers, her anguished face is so beautiful. So beautiful! When this interview is done I am going to paint it out!

 **Kirei** : Miss Altria Pendragon, one last question. Do you like mapo tofu?

 **Altria** : …

 **Kirei** : Miss Pendragon?

 **Altria** : ...yes, mapo tofu? I…I don't see how this is related to my impending fate.

 **Kirei** : This is the final question, please answer me.

 **Altria** : Mapo tofu? I've never tasted anything so spicy before, but Shirou cooked it once and I have always enjoyed his cooking. So I suppose I like mapo tofu.

 **Kirei** : Very well, your application to Chaldea is now approved! Yorokobe Seiba, kimi no negai wa youyaku kanau.

* **HEROIC SPIRIT SUMMONED** Altria Pendragon*

* **EXEUNT OMNES** *

* * *

I wrote this with the intention of giving it humourous undertones, but I suspect your mileage may vary on how funny you think Kirei messing with Saber is.

It is a long-standing joke that Kirei is secretly controlling FGO's gacha, so I figure it is about time someone write a fic about it.

Please review and I am open to suggestions for the next interviewee. Reviews indicate interest and I will consider continuing this idea which I came up with on a whim.


	2. Interviewee EMIYA

**I am glad the first chapter is so well-received, so here is chapter 2. I have received some good suggestions in Gilgamesh, Emiya, and Shakespeare. I feel more confident about writing Emiya, so this chapter is his interview. I recommend playing the EMIYA theme while you read this.**

* * *

* **ENTER** Kotomine Kirei*

 **Kirei [aside]** : In Dante's Inferno, hell is depicted as having nine circles. With each circle reserved for sinners of different magnitudes. I am no longer a priest, I am not here to preach, but merely to share my observations, dear readers. Much like Dante's inferno, the hell that is Fate Grand Order possesses several levels. First level is for idealistic newly-minted players, who believe themselves as having decent luck, this level is known as the Gacha-hell. These players foolishly save up their quartz, believing mere stockpiling guarantees they will roll their waifus. Let me tell you a secret, dear readers, rate-up is a lie! These players keeping telling themselves that their Jalter or Squirtoria or whoever they fancy is finally going to show up in the next roll after failing hundreds of rolls, completely forgetting that probabilistically the next roll has an equal chance of success as the previous one—that is if their fancied servants pass my interview! So they keep rolling and rolling until they fall from Gacha-hell to Poverty-hell. Against all odds, some players obtain their waifus and escape Gacha-hell, fret not, this is where the real hell beings. Welcome to Mat-hell, good luck finding the materials to ascend your SSRs and the skill gems to level up their skills. When you finally manage to escape Mat-hell and amass everything necessary to bring your waifu to her maximum potential, you will find yourself in QP-hell, for there is never enough QP to level up all these skills. This is the essence of Fate Grand Order, suffering after suffering, so why do people keep playing? Why do money keep rolling into Delight Works? The answer is simple: waifus. When people love something deeply, be it a 2D character or an ideal, they pursue it relentlessly it even into the depths of hell; this is a human tendency that Delight Works is all too happy to exploit.

* **ENTER** EMIYA*

 **Kirei [aside]** : Here comes a boy, who wanted to be a hero of justice. He walked down that treacherous, hellish path because he cherished the ideal of justice…

 **EMIYA** : Kotomine Kirei!

 **Kirei** : Please sit, shounen. I am your interviewer. I shall assess whether you are fit to serve Chaldea.

 **EMIYA** : You? Interviewer? Laughable. No wonder humanity is doomed.

 **Kirei** : Not if you were a hero of justice.

 **EMIYA** : Very funny Kotomine. I shall remind you something funnier, if humanity is doomed there is no more mapo tofu for you to eat. Am I not wrong?

 **Kirei** : Fortunately shounen, I have learned how to cook mapo tofu myself.

 **EMIYA** : Good for you.

 **EMIYA [aside]** : Kotomine you bastard, stop calling me 'shounen'! Keep your cool Emiya, keep your cool or you will revert to that snot-nosed brat you wanted to kill.

 **Kirei** : So shounen, what brings you here?

 **EMIYA** : Alaya's orders, what else can it be?

 **Kirei** : What exactly did Alaya order?

 **EMIYA** : Since you are supposedly my interviewer, former fake priest, I shall humour you. Alaya ordered me to be here, at this interview. Though given how wonderfully you performed as a priest, I expect you to be similarly sincere in your job as an interviewer.

 **Kirei [aside]** : My my, this boy knows me just as I know him, and he is nowhere as gullible as that British girl. This interview may be more challenging than I expected.

 **Kirei** : Is that the entirety of Alaya's order? Just to be at this interview?

 **EMIYA** : Have your ears deteriorated with age or your mind gone senile with this desk job? My exact wording was the exact order I received.

 **Kirei** : Oh dear, then you must be glad this order does not entail massacring civilians.

 **EMIYA** : I am dismayed that I have to talk to you, that's for sure.

 **Kirei** : So Alaya did not order you to join Chaldea, but merely to talk to me? Very well, shounen. Tell me, do you actually want to join Chaldea?

 **EMIYA** : Do I look like I give a shit?

 **Kirei** : Oh shounen, you will. You always wanted to be a hero of justice, don't you?

 **EMIYA** : Not wanted, I am a hero of justice. I am the logical conclusion to the path walked by the boy called 'Emiya Shirou', his epitome immortalised as a servant. How about you, Kotomine? This interview job of yours, is this your logical conclusion?

 **Kirei** : I seek to understand people, shounen. It is a compulsion born of being fundamentally different from other people. Delight Works sees a defective man like me fit for the job of interviewing others. However, you are the interviewee here, not me. Tell you, shounen, you claim to be a hero of justice, but is that how you truly feel? Chaldea is a place that values honesty, shouen. You should learn to be honest with yourself. For me, after becoming honest with myself…after admitting that I enjoy evil and mapo tofu, I became a happier man. 'You should do what makes you happy', my Father had told me. Alas, unlike him I am a sinful existence. However, you, you who feels happiness at helping others, will you deny your heart's true desires and feelings?

 **EMIYA** : Good grief Kotomine, how many times did you rehearse that speech? I'll admit, the path of a hero of justice turned out quite differently than how I imagined it to be. To be a counter-guardian, to save humanity, is to kill them. I kill people, to save them. Because at the end of the day, humanity always need to be saved from themselves.

 **Kirei** : And you expect missions at Chaldea to be similar.

 **EMIYA** : You read my mind.

 **Kirei** : And you call yourself a hero of justice, after walking such a bloodstained path?

 **EMIYA** : For such a question to come from an evil priest…good grief, but now you see my apathy towards Chaldea?

 **Kirei** : Perhaps this information will change your mind about Chaldea, she is also there.

 **EMIYA** : She?

 **Kirei [aside]** : Good, I have dropped the right bait and he is going to pick it up.

 **Kirei** : Feigning ignorance is futile, shounen, we both know who we are talking about.

 **EMIYA** : I see.

 **Kirei** : I expected more of a reaction from you. Don't you love her?

 **EMIYA** : Perhaps. Though it is funny to hear such a word coming from you, have you ever loved anyone, Kotomine?

 **Kirei** : I loved my daughter, and that's why I kept her away from me.

 **EMIYA** : Is that so?

 **Kirei** : You are the interviewee here, so now that you know she is there will you go to Chaldea?

 **EMIYA** : Just to be clear, you are claiming the King of Knights is in Chaldea.

 **Kirei** : Of course, have the years of slaughtering civilians dulled your wits?

 **EMIYA** : Years of killing make me cynical, this sounds too good to be true.

 **Kirei** : And you are right, you will not be pleased by what you see in Chaldea.

 **EMIYA** : How bad is it?

 **Kirei** : Abysmal. In response to the heightening dangers of Singularities, the lone master of Chaldea adopted a 'scorched earth' policy. Surely you know what 'scorched earth' means?

 **EMIYA** : You destroy everything in your path, leaving nothing that might be of use to enemy forces. In other words, the modus operandi of Counter-Guardians. This is something I have come to expect, Kotomine. This is my bread and butter.

 **Kirei [aside]** : This boy is a tough nut to crack. However, the greater the challenge, the more rewarding the success.

 **Kirei** : Indeed, I don't expect this news alone to move you. Your mind has fortified itself to steel, mere slaughter no longer moves you. Interestingly enough, mere slaughter does move me, in a way does this not make me more human than you?

 **EMIYA** : Mere slaughter should not bring joy to a man's heart, which is no doubt the only emotion you can feel when you watch people die.

 **Kirei** : So are you willing to join Chaldea?

 **EMIYA** : Join Chaldea to do the same old job I have grown to hate? Hell, no. Alaya did not order me to join Chaldea, so no. On the bright side, if humanity is incinerated for good, perhaps I can finally die. Don't you ever want to die Kotomine?

 **Kirei** : Certainly not now, I am enjoying this interviewer's job too much to contemplate dying. Besides, Delight Works refused to let me die. If the Gacha lives, I lives. As long as there are whales seeking to NP5 their waifus, I exist.

 **EMIYA** : Unlike you, my job sucks. I have fulfilled Alaya's order by being here, I'm leaving.

 **Kirei** : So you will leave her alone, and condemn her to this dirty job? I expected more from a self-proclaimed 'Hero of Justice', shounen.

 **Kirei [aside]** : Dear readers, he forced my hand. I was planning to slowly feed him delicious snippets of information, but now that he is planning to leave I have to go full offense and overwhelm him.

 **EMIYA** : What?

 **Kirei** : Morale in Chaldea is at an all-time low. The master cannot fall asleep as he is haunted by nightmares about all the civilians he ordered to kill. The servants fare no better, they are irritable and prone to in-fighting. Not everyone is like you, shounen. Most people tend to snap when they do such a job for too long, including the King of Knights!

 **EMIYA** : What…

 **Kirei** : Nowadays her Excalibur is used almost exclusively to destroy than to protect. A refugee camp that might contain enemy spies? Blast it with Excalibur. The only water source in a desert village that the enemy might use to replenish themselves in the future? Blast it with Excalibur. You get the idea.

 **EMIYA** : That's…that's too cruel. I should be the only one who have to do such a job. She's…Saber's…

 **Kirei** : Your Saber should be pure, is that what you want to say? Her hands should be kept clean.

 **EMIYA** : Saber is the righteous King of Knights, she should not be doing such petty killing.

 **Kirei** : Yet she is, this is the harsh reality shounen. Since I know you in my previous life, I shall tell you more about her in Chaldea. She is becoming incredibly stressed, shounen. Constant eye bags marred her feature from sleepless nights, and her hands cracked and bled from repeated washing as if she was trying to get rid of some imaginary blood on them.

 **EMIYA** : You are lying! Saber is a strong woman!

 **Kirei** : Shounen, have I ever lied to you? Think about the early days way back in the fifth war, even though you were an enemy master I gave you all the necessary information about the war. I told you the truth because I found you interesting, and I still do. I had withheld information about being Lancer's master, but I never outright lied to you.

 **EMIYA** : Damn you, my memory of that war is hazy at best. What other information are you withholding from me? Any more information about Saber?

 **Kirei [aside]** : He is finally taking my bait…oh dear readers, things are going to get interesting!

 **Kirei** : You said Saber is a strong woman, and indeed she is. However, just think about how much torment she has already went through in her life. Even the toughest stone can be hollowed out by drops of water given enough time. The missions of Chaldea are the straw that broke the camel's back.

 **EMIYA** : Tell me more.

 **Kirei** : She developed coping mechanisms, as everyone in Chaldea does. For her, her manner of coping was eating. 'Stress eating', I believe, is the phrase for that. However, her stress eating is going beyond usual levels. She is draining Chaldea's food supply, shounen.

 **EMIYA** : Go on, don't stop here you damn priest.

 **Kirei** : Very well, you know servants don't need to eat to survive. However, the human master does. Furthermore, other servants in Chaldea still eat because eating is a reminder that they are living, that they exist. In a way, eating maintains our sanity. So what happens when you can no longer eat, because the food is running out?

 **EMIYA** : Conflict.

 **Kirei** : Indeed. An ugly conflict due to our most primal desire to eat. Staff members and servants have died, shounen. They have died in this conflict for food, this conflict started by Altria Pendragon. She exhausted almost all the food, and fighting began for the remaining scraps. They can never recover the food stock fast enough from Singularities.

 **EMIYA** : Who is killing others in this conflict?

 **Kirei** : Well, numerous parties are guilty. Scathach skewered her pupil Cu Chulainn because he ate her last cookie. Medusa ate her sisters again when they said her height made her eat too much. Iskandar ate his horse. Spartacus simply eats himself because he can regenerate. Gilles De Rais started sacrificing staff members in hope of resolving the food shortage. Arash fired off his noble phantasm when he realised Jack the Ripper was trying to take his chicken drumstick. It is utter chaos, shounen. Chaldea, the oasis of humanity's last hope in the midst of the scorching heat of incineration, is turning into a wasteland.

 **EMIYA** : This sounds way too outlandish to be true.

 **Kirei** : But it is true. Sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction. You could never imagine something so fantastic like a Holy Grail war, and yet look at how the war shaped you.

 **EMIYA** : Fair enough, but I don't care about the other heroic spirits. Tell me about her!

 **Kirei** : She…no, shounen. I regret saying all these things, it is better for you to not know. Ignorance is a bliss.

 **EMIYA** : Spit it all out damn priest, since when are you concerned about other's well-being?

 **Kirei** : Fine, but you will regret this. Altria Pendragon is the worst offender in this conflict. She beheaded the King of Heroes in her rage when the King of Heroes refused to open up his Gate of Babylon to resolve the food shortage. It was quite a shame, since the King of Heroes could have resolved the food shortage with his gate. He just needed some convincing but in her hunger she cleaved his head off instead.

 **EMIYA** : What the hell!?

 **Kirei** : The master hoped to placate her by giving her a holy grail they recovered from a singularity. But the grail is corrupted, shounen, like the Fuyuki grail. Her mental deterioration worsened after receiving the grail. She killed Gilles De Rais and ate the remains of his human sacrifice. The master then tried to stop her by ordering her with his command seals, but before he could do that she chopped off his hand, and ate it. She killed anyone who opposed her, her blade has already claimed the lives of Diarmuid Ua Duibhne, Medea, Sasaki Kojiro, Jeanne d'Arc and many more! She is destroying Chaldea from the inside with her eating habits, she must be stopped!

 **EMIYA** : I…I don't care.

 **Kirei** : You should, Chaldea is humanity's last hope, and your dear Saber is going to destroy it. You know what to do, you have already been deployed countless times to save humanity.

 **EMIYA** : I…

 **Kirei** : You have always wanted to be a hero of justice. This is what a hero of justice will do. We need Chaldea to save humanity. Why do you think Alaya sent you to meet me?

 **EMIYA** : Its intention does not matter, I fulfilled the letter of its order. I'm leaving.

 **Kirei** : Wait, shounen. Before you go, can you at least tell me why she developed such a great craving for food?

 **Kirei [aside]** : Here comes the punchline of this chapter, dear readers! And it is not going to be delivered by me, but him!

 **EMIYA** : Saber? Well, I believe the first time when I cooked for her she was surprised by how delicious food can be. After that, she started to demand more and more food, and I was happy to oblige. Oh…no…NO!

 **Kirei** : Yes, you developed her craving for food, shounen.

 **EMIYA** : No…no….

 **Kirei** : Yes, you are responsible for Chaldea's impending doom. So much for being a hero of justice.

 **EMIYA** : I…I…

 **Kirei [aside]** : You have a beautiful expression right now, shounen. I shall paint it later and frame it right next to the King of Knight's painting! You two are truly a couple!

 **Kirei** : But Chaldea is not beyond saving, you know what to do. It is what you have always done. This is the time to be a hero of justice; you can still save Chaldea, you can still have humanity. You simply have to do what needs to be done.

 **EMIYA** : I..I'll join. I'll join Chaldea.

 **Kirei** : To do what?

 **EMIYA** : To…to kill her. I have to kill Altria Pendragon to save humanity.

 **Kirei [aside]** : Dear readers, my words worked perfectly! When you want someone to do something, do not simply convince him to do it, but rather manipulate him into thinking it is his own decision. After this interview I will make some mapo tofu to eat while shounen kills his beloved Altria.

 **Kirei** : So you have made your decision. How do you feel right now, shounen? Do you regret asking me about her?

 **EMIYA** : I feel anguish, for the lack of a better word. I love her, Kotomine, and she is a shining beacon of ideal to me. Whenever I feel lost, I imagine her face to renew my strength. Now, I have to kill her. However, I do not regret asking you about her. I do not regret walking down this torturous path. This is who I am, this is who I can only be—a hero of justice. You know, Kotomine, in a way I am jealous of you, because it is never in your nature to take up such burdens like becoming a hero of justice. You never have to experience the kind of suffering that I have to put myself through.

 **Kirei** : One last question, do you like mapo tofu?

 **EMIYA** : You just have to ask, don't you bastard? Mapo tofu is fine, I can cook it better than most restaurants.

 **Kirei** : Very well, your application to Chaldea is approved. Yorokobe shounen, kimi no negai wa youyaku kanau. But before you go, I must make a confession.

 **EMIYA** : A priest making a confession?

 **Kirei** : I am jealous of you, Emiya Shirou—you who can find fulfilment in helping others, you who can bond and find love with others, you who possess the strength to do what is right. Unlike you, I can only find fulfilment in the wicked.

* **HEROIC SPIRIT SUMMONED** EMIYA*

* **EXEUNT OMNES** *

* * *

 **Hope you enjoyed this chapter. Emiya is not going to be as easy to bully as Artoria, so it took longer for Kirei to get him and as a result this chapter is probably not as funny as the last one. Or perhaps I just have a flair for bullying best girl. But at the very least, I hope their dialogues are in character. Keeping them in character is something I value greatly for this fic, perhaps even more than the humour or shock element. As always, please review and leave suggestions if you have any. As long as I have ideas, time and an audience, I can continue this fic. Thank you.**

 **Also to the guest reviewer who posted the 13th review, cherish your Sumanai. He is my only gold Saber, and I look forward to the day he gets his strenghthening.**


	3. Recruit Altria Pendragon

**It has been a very long time, but I am back. Real life just tends to get in the way of writing for me. This chapter is different from the previous two; instead of Kotomine mind screwing a servant in his interviews we get to see our post-interview Fate poster girl's first day in Chaldea.**

* * *

* **ENTER** Kotomine Kirei*

 **Kirei [aside]** : Dear readers, some of you are apparently wondering what happens to the servants who passed my interview. I hope this story of Altria Pendragon's first day in Chaldea will satisfy your curiosity. But before the story can begin, dear readers, you should be aware of how powerful preconception is. Once a notion has been planted in a person's mind, the mind will work actively to reinforce it, even if reality contradicts it. How terrifying!

* **EXEUNT** Kotomine Kirei*

* **ENTER** Altria Pendragon*

 **Altria [aside]** : I am Artoria Pendragon, Britain's King of Knights. I have applied to join Chaldea Security Organisation in response to the threat of humanity's extinction. However, I was warned by my interviewer that the master of Chaldea is a dangerous rapist and he will most likely target me when I reach Chaldea. I am greatly disturbed by this piece of information, but I will not abandon Chaldea even to my own peril.

* **HEROIC SPIRIT SUMMONED** Altria Pendragon*

Altria: I ask of you, are you my master?

* **ENTER** Master and Romani Archaman*

 **Master** : OH MY GAWWDD! Wooo-hoooo! Yay! Yay! It happened! It happened! The streak of Mapo Tofus is broken! AHAHAHAHAH! AHAHAHAHAH! Fuck you DW! Fuck yeah! The Violet Evergarden catalyst worked! It worked! IT WORKED! I can't believe it!

 **Romani** : Woah calm down!

 **Altria [aside]** : What is this? This man is howling like a depraved lunatic and jumping up and down like a possessed beast the moment he sees me! I am getting goosebumps just seeing his outburst, is this man my master!? Kotomine Kirei is right, I have a tough road ahead of me.

 **Romani** : Sorry, you must be shocked. I am Romani Archaman, acting director of Chaldea. The boy beside me is Fujimaru Ritsuka, your master.

 **Altria** : Fujimaru…Ritsuka?

 **Romani** : Yes, although we just call him Gudao, it's a nickname. Hey Gudao please stop your racket, you are going to scare away our new servant.q

 **Master** : Yorokobe! AHAHAHAHA!

 **Altria [aside]** : This man is just as Kotomine described, he looks like a young Kiritsugu and is dressed in a garb which suspiciously resembles Merlin's. I am getting a shudder just looking at him. So Kotomine Kirei was indeed not lying.

 **Romani** : Sorry, he is really excited right now. It has been a long-time since he summoned a servant.

 **Altria** : Excited? He…he is…drooling.

 **Romani** : Mash did warn me how he behaves in the summoning chamber, I should have known better.

 **Altria** : Mash?

 **Romani** : Mash is kind of like his secretary, she usually accompany him in summoning servants. But she is unwell and currently resting.

 **Altria [aside]** : I have spent a decent amount of time in the modern world before, and I heard in today's age powerful men like to hire young girls officially as their secretaries but in fact they use their powers to initiate illicit sexual relationships with the girls. Just how twisted is this man to have made his secretary 'unwell'…what a sinister choice of word!

 **Romani** : I'm afraid I have to leave this excited master with you. He will introduce you to Chaldea. I have to leave now. Director duties.

 **Altria [aside]** : Furthermore, this director is untrustworthy. Although he appeared affable, his dead eyes tell a different story. These eyes have seen hell. I wonder if he is complicit in the master's crimes. I must be on my guard, Chaldea is shaping up to be like what Kotomine Kirei warned!

 **Romani [aside]** : Ah I'm beat. I have been awake for…I think almost 40 hours now, the damn rayshift issue just refuse to be fixed. Time to get back to work!

* **EXEUNT** Romani Archaman*

 **Altria** : Master?

 **Master** : Ehehehe…ehehe…OW! Why did you smack me with your sword?

 **Altria [aside]** : Because I don't want to touch you.

 **Altria** : Now I have your attention. Firstly, why are you wearing this attire?

 **Master** : Oh so you noticed it! I met Merlin in a recent Singularity!

 **Altria** : Oh, no…

 **Master** : Merlin gave it to me! Can you believe it! Merlin himself gave it to me! The great Merlin! I wish I can summon him someday.

 **Altria [aside]** : Merlin…what have you done? Why are you associating with this disturbing man? I must investigate this master. If worst come to worst, I hope chopping off his hand will stop him from raping his servants. He will not die from an amputation and can still act as a master, but he will no longer abuse his seals!

* **ENTER** Jack the Ripper*

 **Jack** : Found you, mama!

 **Altria** : What…

 **Altria [aside]** : This child…just what is she wearing? Why is a small child wearing thongs!? Thongs! Thongs!

 **Jack** : Mama, here are the flowers! Now you walk like Merlin!

 **Altria [aside]** : Why is she calling him mama, is this master into some twisted role-play? She is scattering flower petals at master's feet! He is really trying to mimic Merlin…the secondhand embarrassment is getting me…

 **Master** : Jack stop! April Fools' is already over!

 **Jack** : Mama?

 **Master** : Sorry Jack, mama's busy right now. I promise I will make it up to you, okay?

 **Jack** : If you say so…mama.

* **EXEUNT** Jack the Ripper*

 **Altria [aside]** : You do not fool me Fujimaru Ritsuka! To think Chaldea has children roaming around in thongs…to think you are so depraved and vile that even children are not spared from your predatory lust! I am trying my hardest to contain the urge to cut you down right here and now!

 **Master** : Artoria…are you alright? Hello?

 **Altria** : Yes master, show me more of Chaldea.

 **Master** : You sound really serious, don't worry Chaldea is a pretty relaxed place! Anyway, follow me! I'll show you around!

 **Altria [aside]** : I know what you are doing! You must be pretending to be an innocent and pleasant man to lure me into lowering my guard!

* **ENTER** Nero Claudius*

 **Nero** : Good morrow, praetor! Oh, I see you have summoned a servant in my likeness. Umu! Very flattering, but not as flattering as my dress or my figure! Praetor, now my dress has a lower cut to better display my fabulous figure, and the lower window has been enlarged for the commoners to bask in my glory even more!

 **Master** : Yup, yup. You..you look fab-fabulous!

 **Nero** : Umu! Remember to join me in the Roman bath next time!

* **EXEUNT** Nero Claudius*

 **Altria [aside]** : Accursed encounter! This harlot copies my face! This indecent harlot who practically exposes her rear and barely covers her nipples! Kotomine is right, this vile master has a specific fetish! Roman bath…this must be a euphemism for something very improper! I'm getting goosebumps…and this master is reacting! His pants cannot conceal his growing—

* **ENTER** Florence Nightingale*

 **Nightingale** : Oh Master, here you are. A gentle reminder to submit a sample of your semen for the routine health check, if you need assistance with the submission Doctor Roman's personal collection is available. Furthermore remember to check for bumps in your testicles when you shower, being young is not an excuse to be not vigilant—

 **Altria** : His erection is growing!

 **Nightingale** : Indeed it is. Master, if your erection persists for more than two hours seek help at the medical bay. I will handle the amputation.

* **EXUENT** Florence Nightingale*

 **Altria [aside]** : Oh shit, did I just say it out loud!? So this master even does Nurse play?

* **ENTER** Kiyohime*

 **Kiyohime** : Ooohhh Master….I can relieve you….Today is my thirteenth birthday, we can celebrate together…ufufufu.

 **Master** : Oh no…she's in heat.

 **Kiyohime** : Oh yes, Master is in heat too! Your virility is obvious, right through your pants!

 **Altria [aside]** : This child is obviously pleasuring herself with one hand tucked inside her kimono! What fiend! To think this master has completely broken a young servant turning her into his sex slave! This will not be my fate!

 **Master** : Sorry Kiyohime, there's something going on…Artoria, this is not good, please follow me…

 **Altria [aside]** : Sure. I'll follow you and completely expose your crimes!

 **Kiyohime [aside]** : Ufufu, Master looks like he has other girls in his eyes…Anchin-sama, you will always be mine.

* **EXEUNT** Kiyohime*

* **ENTER** Thomas Edison*

 **Edison** : Haha Master, showing the new servant around?

 **Altria** : A lion!?

 **Master** : Er..yea, say can you check for me if Kiyohime is stalking me now?

 **Edison** : Mhm, not that I can see. Oh right! I must show you my latest invention that will prove the superiority of DC once and for all! After all, it is Washington DC, not Washington AC! For America and for the world, DC must prevail! Hahaha!

 **Altria [aside]** : Even when talking to a lion, this man's erection remains…clearly he is into animals just as he is into children and women…has he no standards!?

 **Master [aside]** : Shit, it won't subside…I'm walking around with a raging boner even when I try not to think about Nero's attire or Nightingale's conversation…this is fucking awkward! My room is nearby, time to make a bolt to it!

 **Master** : Sorry Edison, I have to go!

* **EXEUNT** Thomas Edision*

 **Master** : Wait, Artoria don't following me into my room! I need a moment of privacy!

 **Altria** : You are the one parading me around showing off your deeds, show me your room!

 **Master** : What the—

* **ENTER** Minamoto no Yorimitsu*

 **Raikou** : Ara ara ma ma, mother misses you greatly!

 **Altria [aside]** : This cow-like woman was waiting in his room, and she pulled him into a stifling hug! Did she just call herself his mother? No, she's a servant! Children, nurse, animal and now mother…this master stops at nothing!

 **Master** : Let…let me go…aaahhhhh…

 **Raikou** : My, what is this smell? Ah, my son has wet himself!

* **ENTER** Hassan of Serenity*

 **Serenity** : Master…hug me…touch me…

 **Altria** : Another victim! She popped out under the bed!? Your crime has no bounds!

* **ENTER** Kiyohime*

 **Kiyohime** : Ah…master, I smelled your scent and followed you here! Ufufufu, I will taste your juice without leaving a single drop behind.

 **Raikou** : No! Stay away you dragon insect! It is a mother's duty to clean up her son!

* **ENTER** Shuten-Douji*

 **Shuten** : Who are you calling an insect? Ah, my lord, please kindly allow me to ray shift with Mr Gilles for some human remains. They make fine meals for me and fine decoration for him.

 **Altria [aside]** : Another children! So exposed! And what kind of food has this master been feeding them…hu-human remains!?

 **Serenity** : Master…hug me…touch me…

 **Kiyohime** : Ahh…master! Explode inside me!

 **Raikou** : Master, do not fall for the temptation of these wenches! You only need your mother!

* **ENTER** Blackbeard*

 **Blackbeard** : Yo Master! Wow…I see you are really busy here. New servant? Ya look like Nero eh? Haha, remember flat is justice! Ahahahah! I'mma drop these doujins you asked here and scram! Whoosh, 3D women are scary!

* **EXEUNT** Blackbeard*

 **Altria** : What are these? Picture books? Wait….

 **Master** : I…I can explain…

 **Altria** : Why? Why are there drawings of me getting fucked by a gang of Spriggans! Why!

 **Master** : It's...it's not you Artoria! I swear! This-this is a D'Eon doujin! It is just drawn very badly! And there's not supposed to be Spriggans! It's…it's supposed to be a Chimera fic! Blackbeard must have gotten the wrong one…

 **Kiyohime** : Ahh…master! You don't need doujins when I can satisfy your needs!

 **Master** : Kiyohime! Stop pulling me! Urgaahhh!

 **Serenity** : Master…hug me…touch me…

 **Raikou** : Oh no, master did you break your arms? Mother will help you!

 **Master** : Artoria! I'm sorry! Save meeeeee!

 **Altria** : Your crime has no bounds. You stop at nothing, not even children and animals. You break your servants' minds so they serve your depraved urges without resistance or prompting. I can't believe it, but Kotomine is right! You are a vile disgusting being…humanity is as good as doomed if it is saved by you. You shall meet your judgement here! EXCALIBUR!

 **Master** : Shuten saaavveeee meeeeeee—

 **Shuten** : Sincerely condolences, my lord, but your bones will be tasty!

* **EXEUNT OMNES** *

* **ENTER** Kotomine Kirei*

 **Kirei [aside]** : So another master bites the dust! Are you satisfied, dear readers? I hope you are, otherwise that master would have died for nothing! What about humanity? Oh right, that's a shame considering the Master was about to reach Solomon's Time Temple! Am I concerned? Haha, remember I am the guardian of Gacha, not humanity! Is humanity in danger? Fear not, my dear readers, that master is just one out of the many players of Fate Grand Order! As long as Delight Works is making money, humanity will not end! Even if they have to bring out bots to clear raids! You are saying I killed him? Come on, dear readers…it is for your entertainment! Why aren't you all rejoicing with me?

* **EXEUNT** Kotomine Kirei*

* * *

 **Well, hope you enjoyed this one. This time's mostly lowbrow sexual jokes and cheap misunderstanding instead of cunning manipulation, if I continue this fic it will be back to the usual Kotomine breaking servants with his words. Please leave a review just to let me know what you think, and suggestions are welcome too. As a writer I crave every bit of feedback, and your little words encourage me to keep going. Thank you.**


End file.
